6 signs that reveal you might be in a ‘pseudo-relationship’.

Pseudo (adj) means pretentious or insincere.

I heard about Pseudo-pregnancy for the first time on TV a while ago.

Pseudo- pregnancy means a false; not genuine pregnancy. Or resembling or imitating real pregnancy.

I was perplexed when I heard about the implications and the various extent women go to have children of their own. The doctors talked about how a woman claiming to be pregnant would come for medical check up and the doctor finds out after running a test that she is not pregnant. The doctor communicates this to her but she refuses to accept the fact still claiming she is pregnant. This woman continues to come for antenatal sessions with other expectant mothers.  The doctors further revealed that some women come months later with a new born baby that they probably adopted claiming it’s their baby and still wanting to proceed with post-natal treatments.  Meanwhile there has been no evidence of pregnancy for the past nine months.

Doctors claim that it has to do with their psychological disposition.

These women totally refuse to accept the fact that they are not able to have children of their own -for now- so they take action by staging one for themselves.  They don’t care whether it’s real or not. They stage their own reality. They create and embrace a fake incident.

I thought extensively about this and I thought this relates to how single women indulge themselves in relationships that are not real. This relationship is usually just a figment of their imagination. A ‘relationship’ that is not and might never be.  It is a Pseudo-relationship.

A ‘pseudo- relationship’ is a false relationship. It is a relationship that is not genuine; a relationship that is going nowhere; especially not the road to the altar.

It is usually common among ladies who believe time is far spent and they are very keen on getting married- which is very understandable.  They are tired of waiting. They believe they’ve done all they can. So they somehow find themselves in a pseudo-relationship. The painful thing about a pseudo- relationship is that a man is involved; a man whom she needs his consent and agreement. A woman might deceive herself and people around her that she is on the verge of walking down the aisle but the long delay or disappointment will finally reveal that there was nothing going anywhere.  The lady must have wasted time and energy, investing into a false account.  She just conned herself.

Below are six signs that reveal you could be in a pseudo relationship:

You are ‘living’ with a man who is never going to marry you

This is if you respect the institution of marriage and seriously want to get married. You pack your things from wherever you were living to pitch your tent in this man’s crib-who probably did not invite you sef-. I have heard girls say they do this ‘to secure their thing’.  Seriously, can YOU secure ‘it’? Can ‘it’ be tamed?  I mean naturally.  Well, there are sisters who claim to be securing this ‘thing’ of theirs and this thing hasn’t made any serious commitment with them.

You are the house help and not his help mate

You go to this man’s place regularly to help out with chores. It could be his private apartment or where he stays with his family members. There is no real relationship. And it’s not that you spend quality time together when you are there. It’s always that this uninterested guy is busy with something else or he leaves no sooner that you are there.   You claim you are still both getting to know each other better. So you go on being the hardworking lady, hoping he and his family members will see what a wife material you are.  All because you go to his crib to do all the work a machine wash and dish washer could do.

You wear an engagement ring that was not given to you by a man

You go ahead and buy a ring on Mr Man’s behalf.  There are even ladies who are not in a relationship with a man who do this. They say they do it by faith. Ha! Faith has suffered in the hands of stupidity. The worst thing is that this lady goes around wearing this ring. Isn’t that shooting one’s self in the leg? She might even show the ring to her friends and family members. Pseudo, pseudo, pseudo.

You dress like a married woman claiming its faith

You go buy yourself lots of Ankara material and sow tons of ‘mummy styled’ native wears. You start wearing them everywhere you go. You claim you are preparing to be a wife. I believe preparing to be a wife has more to do with the inside. It is an internal process.  What you wear will not make you one or make a man commit instantly. In fact, it might chase them away. What matters most is who you are.  Some even claim it is to show you are in the market. You don’t claim you are single by dressing like an ‘old idea’ of how a married woman looks.  Even a married woman dares not try this. Except her husband wants it and she doesn’t mind. It’s ok to dress your age but not like his Ma.

You are presuming you are more than friends with him even when he hasn’t made any proposal.

It’s been a while since you’ve been together- going back and forth. It appears to be a relationship. Is it a relationship? You ask yourself. It is a relationship you claim. But what kind? Where are we going?

Please don’t presume. You need to know and you have to find out-especially if you are too old for this.  It’s too bad for you to put yourself in that position. You can t be playing ‘who is in the garden’ at this time of your life. Don’t be afraid of the communiqué of this round table discussion. Please do interrogate. If it turns out he’s just been playing, then its good you now know so you are able to check out early enough. You would be saving your time, love and your heart. Forget those yeye midnight calls you both did that made you think you were compatible. You can do mid night call with your enemy and be in love the next day. That thing is cheap. Where is the sacrifice? In the vigil?  Hiss.

You are having sex... and he didn’t make any serious commitment with you.  And here you are thinking...   

“Since we are having sex, we are serious”. Having sex with a man for pleasure is one thing. Then having sex with a man regularly and assuming there is a relationship because there is sex is a pseu-tupid thing.

Get a male friend and let him explain how a man’s ‘smaller head’ works!

You’ll be seriously shocked it ‘stands’ very differently- far from his ‘big head’.

2mao.

12 Unnecessary attitudes of a single woman- hoping to get married soon

Welcome again to the ‘She-Helpz’ blog.  It’s been more than a month since I put something here. Please pardon me. I choose not to give excuses. I am very happy to let you know that I will be posting everyday now, except on Sundays. Also, please note that this place is not just a blog but a point of healing, restoration, help, fulfilment, joy, and happiness.

Let’s get on to today’s topic.

Yes! Knowingly or unknowingly we sometimes do have these very unnecessary attitudes that could actually stop us from moving forward.

Man- hating

Hoping to get married and having this ‘men are evil’ mentality don’t correlate.  Its either you join the clique of those women who detest men and have decided not to have a lasting relationship with them or you join the group that totally understands that neither man nor woman is perfect on his or her own, so they do with this idea.

You need to stop these evil conversations with your girlfriends and in your head.  You need to stop using the bad experiences you had with 1 man or even 2 or 3 men to make your conclusion about all men. That’s so unfair. You need to purge your heart and free your spirit of this bad idea.

Madam, ‘forgive your father’.  Sister, ‘release your ex’.  If you are surely sincere that they are jerks, then they are not worth all the emotions, energy and time you invest in replaying their cruelty towards you.  Drop ‘em off and move on.  Not all men are evil. You must have hooked up with one or 3 with the wrong values. Don’t conclude just yet because of one bitter experience. Yes, ‘you’ve been made’, so now you are smarter. Take advantage of the situation and ‘shine your eye’ next time.  Above all, be hopeful and positive, you’ll encounter a good one.

Stop man-hating.

Desperate

Oh! How men can smell a desperate chic.  No matter how much or how long you try to hide it, he will sense those sneaky desperate acts of yours. You do desperate talks and make desperate moves. And you just met. Babes, this guy will be perplexed.  In a short while, you will have him running in the opposite direction...towards ‘freedom’-from YOU.  Most times, men don’t like been put under pressure by a woman, especially when they have not made a definite commitment with her.  Marriage is a lifetime commitment.  This they know and the average guy finds this difficult to embrace.   And here you are pushing marriage down his throat just after 1 long eventful date.  Patience is a virtue ma.

Manipulative

Many, many women play this card.  The after effect of manipulation is not good at all.  In the end, men who were manipulated into rushing into things always end up rebellious; turning their aggression against the ‘manipulative witch’.  Yes, manipulation is ‘witchy’.  Seriously, ask around.   Ladies should stop thinking a man will ever be and will never come to himself just because he fell for her gimmicks.  Just pray he doesn’t wake up from his stupor because when he does, he’ll be mad! Most times a man knows when a woman is manipulating him into doing something that his against his will.  It’s now up to this man to either let you and wait till he pays you back in your own coin.  

Self Deceit

Lying to another person is bad enough while lying to one’s self is horrible! You’re not doing yourself any good.  You deny the truth about the situation at hand and you embrace that which is untrue.  What do you gain from this? What do you think is the end result of something based on falsehood? You need to face reality. Own up. It won’t kill. If it’s not working, it’s not working.  Stop feeding your mind and heart with the wrong diet.  Get help from your close friends or family members. Let them help you with the analysis. Let them lay the cards on the table for you and you’ll see ‘it isn’t werking’.

Jealousy- Rejoice with those who rejoice

Your heart is a vital part of you, it affects everything you do.  Harbour no resentment in there.  If you can’t stand ‘her’ being blessed, then there is a serious problem.  It’s not your place to decide whether she deserved it or not.  Remember, “The most high rules over the kingdoms of the world and gives them to anyone he chooses” (Daniel 4:32c). When you hear about ‘it’, simply wish ‘her’ well.  If she didn’t tell you and you are too down to congratulate her, get on your knees and thank God for her.  Thank him also for yours in advance.  

On the other hand, if you have been involved, see what you can do.  Help out, contribute towards the fulfilment of her happiness, and tap into the goody. Then, hold it right there.  Don’t permit backbiting and those tiny little jealousy pangs that throng your heart. It will ruin the coming blessing. You will reap what you sow.

Low self esteem because of your lack of a partner

You are not being fair to yourself if you let the fact that you are still single negatively affect your self esteem.  You are not as bold and as vibrant as before. If you are not happy now, there is a lesser chance you will be when you are with someone. Your self esteem should not be tied to your marital status.

You are not keen on purpose

You have lost momentum.  You don’t ask ‘why’ anymore. You don’t think ‘how’ and you don’t do ‘self-improvement’ anymore- just because you are ‘single and seriously searching’.  The consistent search for ‘why you are’ is vital to your happiness and should not be ignored. You having purpose and fulfilment will affect your well being with or without a partner.  

You are too conscious of your age and ...

You keep thinking you are too old.  You keep referring to yourself as old-in your thoughts and in your conversations. Unknowingly, you carry yourself like you are so old even when you are before a man -who could be a potential partner.  

Most times this could be an after effect of you letting people around you refer to you and treat you as old.  Babes, you are the only one who determines how old you are and how you should feel.  Also, one man’s food is another man’s poison.  I don’t believe you should think no man would want you because of your age.  This is untrue. If you worry about your age and unmarried status because of medical facts, it’s one thing. But worry and fear brings no solution. Remember the saying “what I fear most has come upon me?  You need to re-evaluate how you see yourself and what you think of yourself. You need to be careful so you don’t become your thoughts.

You have a sloppy relationship with God

Oh yes, you acknowledge him as God, your God, but you don’t communicate with him anymore. You don’t talk to him and you don’t listen to him. You are not intimate with him just because of your need of a man. You can’t ignore God now. Having a relationship with HIM is the beginning.  Start right.  Start here.

You still carry baggage

You still carry negative thoughts and ideas from your last relationship. If you don’t unload these baggages, they will definitely weigh down your new relationship- when you get into one.  It’s not fair on your new partner to suffer because of the load you brought in from your past.  Baggage of doubt, fear of being abandoned, jealousy and so on- You need to drop them off in order to progress.

You’ve lost your self confidence and let people run you down. You let people around you (even your own family) make you feel like your being single (for now) is your fault.  They have no right to that. It is totally unfair of them and you are being unfair to yourself when you allow that. Even if it’s your fault, they shouldn’t keep rubbing it in. No they shouldn’t!  It’s your life.  Don’t allow them add ‘salt to injury’.  Fight for your peace of mind. Tell them you need support and not their criticism. Tell them that if they are so bothered, they should keep praying for you. You need your confidence to keep moving.

You wouldn’t let go of the past and the man in your past

You can’t want to move forward and still hold on to someone or a relationship in the past.  Your nonstop thoughts, talks and feelings about elements of the past are evidences that you are not over him or your past relationship.  Babes, its either you go back-if it suits you- or you move forward.  Don’t let anything hold you down.

Tomorrow.

Yours sisterly,