The Stranger you love, the friend that cares

Ladies, what is that thing of chasing after someone who is not chasing us but is actually running away from us?

Why are we sometimes so passionate and dogged determined about getting involved with someone one who is not interested in us while we ignore the one who is familiar?

And sometimes, when we seek love, care and attention, we actually do get it but we don’t accept it from that person who is nearby but still expect it from the other who distances himself from us. 

Let’s not be in the habit of overlooking relationship possibilities around us and thereby in the end missing the possible opportunity of being with a good man.

Here are some factors that affect our decisions regarding seeing and accepting our heart long desires.

Just friends…

What’s wrong with a friendship evolving into a relationship especially if you realize it can or should? Who else is it more convenient to hook up with?

We keep rejecting a male friend who is interested in us saying ‘he’s just a friend’.  Well, it is not all friendships that should lead to a relationship but have you checked if this one (or any of these ones) should? Can it?

Remember:

A man will not drop from heaven. The last time an answer to prayer dropped from heaven was when manna dropped from heaven for the Israelites to feed on.

When Haggai (Genesis 21:14-19) was in need and she cried out to God, He answered her prayers. Her eyes were opened and she saw the solution to her need just nearby.

When Abraham (Genesis22:9-13) was in need of a lamb for sacrifice, when his eyes were opened, he looked and he saw just nearby ‘a ram caught by its horns in a bush’.

Even Jesus, when he performed the miracle with the wine at the wedding (John 2:1-8), he used the six stone water pots that were standing nearby.   

God had placed a provision to their needs within their reach. All they needed was their eyes to be opened.

Most of the times our heart long desires are not usually something extraordinary that travels from afar to meet us.  The answer to our prayers is not always farfetched. If your heart points in one direction, don’t be reluctant only because it is too familiar.  And don’t get me wrong I am not saying another lady should now desperately begin to harass her male friends. All I’m saying what if in your case what you sought has always been just there, close to you, do not hesitate...

Evaluating his weaknesses      

Sometimes, we have a friend who is interested in us, especially when he is a friend we know very much. We understand him; we know his strength and weaknesses. But the issue is we just keep analyzing him and continue to evaluate his petty weakness like we don’t have ours.  In this case, you should stop focusing on his weaknesses. You know his strength and weaknesses only because he is your close friend.  He is close because he let you in.  And friends don’t castigate their friends behind their backs whether in public or in their minds. Stop recounting his weakness in your mind especially if it’s something that is not trivial.

Chasing after who is not looking at us and running away from who is chasing us?   Isn’t it meaningless? A time comes when we mature and quit the chase. Babe, when it’s that time QUIT THE CHASE.

We keep trying to please that person who does not appreciate us and loathe the one who would ‘catch a grenade for us’ (well, not technically).

You deserve love, care and attention in return. We should be courageous to accept it when a man is not responding to the love and attention we give him. If he doesn’t love you, the earlier you accept it, the better.  I know it’s a hard pill to swallow.  For me too, it was hard but I had to swallow it and I used the water of reality to push it down. He had told me I wouldn’t believe it…he acted it (like he didn’t love me) and I still wouldn’t let go. Well it took more for me to hands off and I’m glad I did.

Seeing a good man as weak

There is nothing weak about being good. There’s nothing weak about a guy being nice to you and treating you like a queen that you are (especially when its confirmed he is not playing you). We should unthink all wrong notions that we’ve picked up while growing up and begin to learn new values.  How long will you manage this gangster love where ‘he’ doesn’t return your love, care and attention?

Appreciate a good man. Don’t look good down on him. Good is just what it is- GOOD!  And you deserve good.  

Placing the outside above the inside

You say ‘he has no swag like that…’ whilst he has the most important qualities in a man.   Please realize inner qualities come first and they matter the most.

Not all of us will be hooked up with one of the guys that escaped from the cover of GQ. *Lol* I know there has to be an attraction (I strongly believe in that) but all I’m saying we should stop seeking that unreasonable and unusual thing in a guy.

Seeking unusual attraction

You are looking for unusual passion and unusual love; Looking for that extra electricity and sparks.  *Haba!* I thought we were over with the mills and boons nonsense.  A few sparks are enough but must there be an electrical surge because you are in love? Please don’t let the search for extraordinary feelings and emotions hinder you from grabbing a lurking opportunity.   

I have posted below an extract from a book titled ‘KNIGHTS IN SHINING ARMOR’ by P.B WILSON. I have been richly blessed by this book and I hope this extract will help.  

He is not my type

“Do you remember when the men walked with Jesus after He had risen from the dead? They didn’t even recognize Him and they were face to face, holding a conversation. It was as if a veil was hiding his identity.  Is your husband veiled by your unrealistic expectations? While you have frantically been looking around for an available gentleman, is it possible that you already know your Knight in Shining Armor? Let’s find out.

What is your type? Tall or short, heavy or thin, intense or playful? Have you ever seen a small group of men gathered together and decided, before one of them even approached you, which one you would be interested in? In the same situation, many of us would have overlooked Jesus:

He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him (Isaiah 53:2)

According to the scripture, Jesus was an ordinary looking man. We might not have noticed him in a crowd.  Yet what man could have loved us more?  God could have given Jesus any kind of appearance. He chose, but He did not make him dramatically attractive. It’s clear that outward beauty was not God’s main focus.

The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart (1Samuel 16:7)

I can hear your thoughts: “Oh great. She’s trying to tell me that my future husband is going to be unattractive!” No, He may be the most physically handsome man in the world… But if a man’s heart is not right, he becomes an ugly person all too quickly…

Finding the Right Kind of Man

To discount a man because of his outer appearance may cost you your second greatest blessing (the first is Jesus). When I met my husband I was drawn more to his character than his appearance. He was not my usual type. However, after 21years there is no man in the universe more handsome to me than my husband. Love reshapes our vision.

How did we develop our taste for a certain type of man? When did we decide a man had to have a certain kind of look and personality for us to be interested? And, I might add, as we change, so our choice in who we will spend the rest of our life changes also. Let’s study your type. List (in a sheet of paper) everything you want in a husband.

Now go back over that list. Next to everything you can do without write “WDW” (willing to do without). That will leave you with the essentials.  However, there are a couple of points that must be on the list.  First and foremost, is he a man that doesn’t want to break God’s heart?  Notice I didn’t say, “A man that goes to church, studies, and knows the Scriptures.” That’s important, of course.  However, many of the couples we counsel who are seriously considering divorce attend church faithfully and can quote Scripture. True spirituality requires more than that.  When you find a man who is saddened when he disappoints God, you have found a gem. If he doesn’t want to hurt God, he won’t intentionally hurt you, because that would hurt God.

Besides being unwilling to hurt God, he must be a man with a vision. What does he believe God has called him to do with his life? 

Where there is no vision, the people perish (Proverbs 29:18 KJV)

That Scripture certainly includes marriages. It is of the utmost importance to know a man’s vision. If he feels God has called him to live in the mountains to work with the indigenous people and you’re afraid of heights, he is probably not destined to be your husband.

We can change the “type” of man we are attracted to. Take the time to really consider the qualities you are looking for in a mate.”

Culled from the book ‘KNIGHTS IN SHINING ARMOR’ by P.B. WILSON.

Also, I have posted below some thoughts I found in another book titled ‘THE RULES’ BY ELLEN FEIN AND SHERRIE SCHNEIDER.  But I have modified them and I used to read to myself to correct some old wrong thinking. You can have it if interests you.

Read If you dare:

I love not only with my heart, but also I use my head when necessary

I am honest. I have boundaries, values and ethics

I am special, a creature unlike any other

Any man would be lucky to have me!

Because I love myself, I am no longer interested in men who ignore me, cheat on me, hurt me either physically or emotionally

I love whom I love

When a man I am interested in is crazy about me, I am happy about it. I am not bored or turned off

Love should be easy… I am attracted to easy…I like easy

I have a new attitude.  I love being loved, appreciated and respected.

And I reciprocate the love, appreciation and respect.

I think that anyone who thinks I am great is great and not a jerk

I have no desire to chase someone who hasn’t noticed me, sought me out, or dialed my number and asked me out

For me, love is finally simple and sweet

When I go for outings or meet men, I understand that whoever likes me, likes me and who doesn’t, doesn’t

I accept whatever happens. I am laid back and confident. I don’t struggle

I am living pain free. I could be alone but I am not lonely. I don’t hang around wasting my precious time

I don’t fantasize about the man who got away or wanted someone else

I take care of myself

I am eating well and working out

I am busy with interests and hobbies and dating

I am not calling or chasing men especially who are not interested in me

I have a healthy self esteem

 I seek and out the kingdom of God first in my life

So I know that he has added to me a man his grace has brought me

Her Men, her mind – Her MENtality.

Superwoman

Her MEN’tality is usually a product of her childhood experiences. I mean what she has been taught, what she has seen, learnt, discovered or she was probably told. This mind frame, if negative, becomes a strong hold and it definitely needs to be pulled down and out.  Her queer Mentality (wrong ideas about men and marriage) could become more like a curse in her life.

The kind of men she’s been with is also a contributing factor to having this kind of mentality.

She thinks her man (all men) is (are) just like her father figure was, so she is always on guard- always on her toes.  Super woman doesn’t know how to relax. She doesn’t know how to be a partner.   She finds it difficult to take a passive role even once in a while.

Some of us don’t know how to be women to men; we’ve not exactly figured out how to be wives. I mean how to be submissive or dependent and most of the time it’s not that we don’t want to, it’s just that we don’t know how to.  ‘To Submit’ is a familiar phrase but an unfamiliar act.

We’ve watched our mothers ‘woman’ the house. We’ve watched them take care of expenses and take control because our fathers shelve their responsibilities and assumed a passive role in the home. We’ve unconsciously picked up the ‘some men can be incompetent sa’ thinking and we live our lives hence.

That’s why we get into relationships with men who don’t particularly have strong personalities, men who we want to baby around, men who don’t know how to be in charge and even men who may not have a mind of their own. We are only used to a man we can mother.  We find mothering him easy.  

This kind of relationship is usually stressful for the average woman but for us we can manage, we’ve learnt to be super from small. We are not usually attracted to men who are in charge: Men who have learnt to be head of a family from their fathers, men who are willing to care for us, to love us…; men who know how to treat a woman and probably handle her well. Hmm, we find that scary and unattractive no matter how much we like this kind of man. The light in our head go red.  A man who takes charge scares us because he’s something different from what we’ve experienced.  Yes, he is different and new.  He is a different guy other than who we’ve had- our DAD. He is unfamiliar.

Remedial

Acknowledge it if you are like that. Acknowledgment is the beginning of deliverance. It’s good to be strong and independent but not good to be extremely hot-tempered. The ‘tigress’ approach to life is not cute, it’s competitive. It affects our relationships- a lot.  It would eventually taint our marriage if we don’t change.

Remember, you can never be strong by yourself. If you are a Christian woman, understand that the more you tussle with the spirit of God, the more you will be broken and the more pain you’ll feel.  You would continue to lose. Stop trying to venture out on your own. Let the Holy Ghost help you. That’s his job- to be your counselor, helper and advocate.

Understand why you are like that but you have to let go of ‘why’.  Quit the struggle. Quit sprinting from your dad- don’t you realize you keep running into him? 

Be willing to change.  Allow your ‘being’ to form new thought patterns. You can’t pour new wine into old wine skin. You can’t just act different. You need to be a changed woman to exude a different attitude. The origin of your personality is your thinking. Imbibe new thoughts- hence a new you.  For me, I’ve only let the Word and the spirit of God help me. I don’t know an unspiritual way to go about it. I wish I could give some psychological remedy but …don’t know- for now.

Allow a true man in …and let him.  Allow yourself to be taken care of.  For the first time in your life, let yourself be loved. I’m not saying ‘lose your mind and let go’. I’m just saying- share, collect, allow (or preferably ‘permit’)…

And babes:

A man’s place is at the top. He is the head of the home while your place is beside.

You work hand in hand with your man; you can’t always be in control. Your control freakiness is at the displeasure of the man.

Please don’t get me wrong:

Do not throw away your strong personality and fine unusual qualities for anything. I mean throw away the trash and keep the goodies. Keep the doggedness, persistency, strong will, hardworking nature and likes and throw away the pride, stubbornness, competitive nature and likes. Do not let these negative qualities hinder your progress and happiness in life.  Learn to become something else in order to love, to do right and to please others.

Finally,

Learn to relax and enjoy. Love and happiness will find you. He’s not far away.