Becoming Wife ‘Number 2’ Without Knowing It

Nike, a high flying 24year old upwardly mobile chic was blown away when Jide a smooth talker working with one of these newly merged banks proposed. Without thinking about the legal implications of marriage, Nike brought out all her old editions of ‘wedding planner’ and scouted for the best wedding gowns and bridal train costumes you could imagine. Money wasn’t the problem as her savings was enough to float any wedding celebration you could think of.

The couple went through the necessary marriage counseling class in their church (a new generation Pentecostal church) and subsequently got married in the same church after a well attended engagement/traditional marriage ceremony the day before.  Registration of the marriage at the marriage registry wasn’t necessary, suggested Jide as long as they were getting married in church.

Four years has passed and Nike hasn’t conceived. Jide started keeping late nights until he came back home one night and broke the news of an illicit affair he is involved in. The lady in question was already three months pregnant. She insisted on keeping the baby on one condition “that she must be legally married to Jide”. Nike threatened fire and brimstone if Jide decides to go ahead with the marriage. She threatened to get a lawyer and prosecute him for the offence of bigamy (entering another marriage when a legal one subsists). After much ado about nothing, Nike was advised by her lawyer that she has no legal right due to the fact that,   her husband only entered a customary marriage contract with her and thus can marry more than one wife. This was because the church where they got married was not a legally licensed place of marriage under the ‘Marriage Act’ and  thus any marriage conducted there that wasn’t registered at a marriage registry was not recognized by law.

Jide went ahead to marry his secret lover in a secretly organized traditional wedding.  Nike had no choice but to watch her sweetheart being shared by another woman.  Although she (Nike) got pregnant the following year (after Jide’s supposedly second wife) has put to bed, life has never been the same as she now plays second fiddle to the latest and sweet loving ‘Iyawo’.

The above story is a true picture of what goes on in this part of the world today. Young couples ignorantly getting married without having a knowledge of the type of marriage they are contracting and thus entering the type that can cause problems in the future. I used to think that elites can never make the mistake until I discovered from my findings that some of our so called elites don’t even know the right thing to do.

The Law recognizes customary marriage under ‘Customary Marriage’ (Islamic marriage inclusive) where a man can marry more than one wife if he chooses to. The woman if not comfortable with it can approach a customary court and ask for a dissolution to enable her get married to someone else. Unlike marriages under the Act where the man cannot contract any other marriage whether customary or ‘white’ for as long as he is still lawfully married to another person. Any attempt to do so will render the second marriage null and void and the man liable to a criminal offence of bigamy which can attract a prison sentence.

The question therefore is ‘what is marriage under the Act?’.  Simply put, marriages under the ‘Act’ are those marriages conducted or registered at the local marriage registry or the ones conducted at churches that have license to conduct weddings.  

WARNING!!! to all young couples out there ‘NOT ALL CHURCHES HAVE THE LICENSE TO CONDUCT WEDDINGS’.  Although some of such churches now insist on the couple registering the marriage at the marriage registry before coming over to church to do the ‘white wedding’.  If you got married under such circumstance, be rest assured that the marriage certificate you have is the one given to you at the registry.  Don’t be fooled by the beautifully designed marriage certificate your pastor handed over to you.  It is useless if your church is not a licensed place for marriage and if you haven’t done anything at the marriage registry.

Finally, my free counsel to every young lady out there is thus: insist on your man that your marriage should be registered at the marriage registry. That is the only way you can guarantee or have a right to fight back if something happens in the future.  Even if you have been married for many years, it is not too late to register your marriage.  It doesn’t cost so much, with as little as N5000 you would have been married at a marriage registry.

If you don’t want to be ‘wife Number 2’ without knowing it, then look before you leap. A stitch in time saves nine. A word they say is enough for the wise.

Okungbowa Ese lives in Lagos. LAW is his hustle. Do text him on 08079134999 or mail okungbowaese@yahoo.com.

Women and Sex

NB:  This piece may be directed towards ‘religious’ women and women who just engage in sexual activities but really do not know what they are doing.

The great disappointment

I think there has been a ‘sex mis-education’ amongst women. I feel sorry that a lot of women will get married and discover that what they had fantasized about or read in exotic literature or watched in videos is not exactly true or as easy to come by.

Those who think they know will discover they know nothing or that what they know is just a shadow of what sex is really about and those who have refused to be aware will suffer the consequences of their ignorance.

Sex is not dirty just as money is not. It’s is just the wrong use that is.

God created sex.

Why God created sex.

 And he created it to be between man and wife and not just man and woman. Sex is about a celebration between a man and his wife.  The bible says “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

So babes, if you’ve still got your blood, save it.  Don’t be giving your blood to just anyone.

If you are a Christian woman, realize that your body is a ‘temple’; it is the temple of the Holy Ghost. God the spirit lives in you.  So handle with care.

*Ok, I culled majority of the part above from a Bishop Jakes sermon*

Acceptance

Many mature women (even married) are still not accepting themselves- their body to be precise. They are not comfortable talking about sex and finding help on how to find sexual fulfillment in their marriages. This is majorly as a result of wrong notions and ideas that they’ve grown up with.

Some women still don’t know what their ‘vagina’ look like (what is what and where what is). Why do I believe you are thinking “Why should I know? As long as I can have sex and I can give birth with it”.  See, that’s what I am talking about.  Ignorance is expensive. Remember that it is your body, God gave it to you. There is nothing wrong with any part of it and there is nothing wrong with knowing how it works so you can function well and be fulfilled in all aspects of life that requires the use of your body.

Sexually aware and confident

“We are sexual beings. It is the denial of it that gets us in trouble”

Single women should be sexually aware and confident. They should not be afraid of sex relative matters. They should understand it and tackle it with maturity. Denial is not the correct weapon for abstinence. They should understand their bodies. There is nothing dirty or to be ashamed of regarding a woman’s lower body (private part to be precise). I also like to point out that being sexually active may not necessarily mean being sexually aware.  Some woman could just be sleeping around not knowing what she is doing or why she does what she does. She might not necessarily be doing it just to seek pleasure. Sometimes she is looking for more, like love, attention, a father…etc

Sex Education

I mean correct sex education.

I believe women should know about sex as much as they know about cooking. She should have an idea about the fundamentals of sex like ‘what it is really, why, and how’.    Well, if your body can’t contain it (knowledge about sex) while being single, then wait till you are married but you had better be a fast learner.   

Some super spiritual persons might want to know- there is no marriage or sex in heaven so how that is important since I am heavenly bound.  That’s the point. Your body is only required for use here on earth and you need to know how to deal with and take care of it. Sex matters are serious matters. Sex is not just a physical activity. It is spiritual.  Apostle Paul says here in 1Corinthians6:16-18: 

And don’t you know that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? For the Scriptures say, “The two are united into one.” But the person who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Run away from sexual sin! No other sin clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body.

What I’m trying to pull out from the scripture above is that either ways (whether one engages in it being single or married) sex is more than that physical activity thought.

We know it is not the most important thing between a man and his wife but it is a key and important element in marriage.  Between a man and his wife it symbolizes some form of covenant.

For the religious woman in denial:

Accept yourself.   Accept and appreciate your body. Get a mirror, place it underneath (make sure you are wearing no underwear) and stand above it. Study what you see. There is nothing dirty about it.  We can’t afford to carry those yeye ideas into our marriages.  Let’s deal with this slutty idea about the female, sex and her assets.

Give yourself a hug jare!

Like I said it is the wrong approach to sex that’s the issue.

For the care free and sexually active single woman:

What are you looking for?

Sex is not the only way to get what you want (from men): Get (Economic) power.

Your sexuality is not your only option to feel powerful, relevant or feminine.

Well, you’ll find more options on this blog.

Also, I’d like you know that having sex does not mean acceptance and it most times will not mean that you have just received love, care and attention.

It would just mean you’ve just been screwed. Period. *Pardon my language*

And finally,

For the newly married young woman:

To reach a climax is your God given right in your sexual life. Please don’t allow the devil or anything deprive you of it.  If it really matters to you then sought sexual fulfillment in your marriage. Don’t be ashamed to seek help.

I have recommended two books here that I believe will be of help. Please look below in the next post.

Thank you.

Phew!

Recommended Books

The Joy of being a WOMAN and what a man can do by INGRID TROBISCH.

I found this book in a used books bookstore. It’s a very beautiful and helpful one. The first few chapters got me.  She really dealt with the issue of ‘MARRIED women not finding sexual fulfillment’ in their sexual relationships with their husbands.  This was covered in the first few chapters. The issue of sexual fulfillment in a marriage is a serious matter *I’ve heard*.

Anyways it’s a good book and I recommend it. She even gave some possible health reasons why some women don’t reach orgasm and she referred some simple remedy called the ‘Kegel’ method…

Read the book sa..

You should find it online or in a bookstore. It’s an old book though. It was published in 1975.  I found some reprint at Bible wonderland at Ojuelegba (Lagos, Nigeria). I hope they’ve still got more copies.

Communication, Sex and Money by Edwin Louis Cole

This book also was found in an used books bookstore. I was not able to finish it but what I discovered in the few chapters I read blessed me richly.  The book is majorly targeted towards men but women (especially wives) would also discover a lot that would help in their relationships with men.  Dr Edwin has a Men’s ministry. The last time I googled this book, I discovered that it could be bought on Amazon.com. I have never seen another copy of the book aside from the used one I found. I have not gone searching in our local bookstores but I will. And as soon as I find something I’ll let you know.